Review & give-away: How Mothers Love by Naomi Stadlen – WIN!

Sorry, this post has been moved to my new website, A Heart Led Life.

Can you ever give your child too many cuddles?

My Grandad is a very wise man. One of the things he’s always said about parenting is that children can cope with nearly anything, so long as they receive plenty of demonstrative love and, you know, I think he’s right.

Lots of issues with children can be solved simply by realising that you haven’t been showing your child you love them much recently, and rectifying it. Obviously lots need more than that, but often it’s just a feeling of security in their parents’ love that gives children the strength to deal with something themselves.

I explained, in this Tantrum Checklist post about insecurity, how a child needs to physically feel your love; that just saying it isn’t really enough, hence the word demonstrative in my Grandad’s little gem of parenting advice.

But in our eagerness to ensure our children feel loved by us, is it possible for us to overdo it? I recently had a conversation with a mum who told me that her parents had smothered her with cuddles, and it had driven her so mad that she tried to hold back when she felt like she wanted to cuddle her own kids.

This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this but, you know, I think this has less to do with cuddles and more to do with respect. If you don’t respect your child’s need to have control over their own body by cuddling them even when they’re not interested, then they feel claustrophobic and it can damage your relationship with them just as much as withholding physical affection can.

Really, this has nothing to do with counting how many cuddles you give your child, or how often you give them. It even has nothing to do with making sure that you give an equal number to each child! What it does relate to is respect and taking your child seriously.

If you respect and take your child seriously, you are not likely ever to over- or under-cuddle him because you will be listening to him. You will be taking the cues he sends you that he needs more love at one time, or less. You will be sensitive to the times when he submits to a cuddle just to please you, and you will not push for one if he shakes his head and says he’s too busy playing. And, when he asks for a cuddle, you will try to say yes as often as possible but you will also respect and take yourself seriously so that if you are also not able to cuddle your child right now, you will say so, kindly and with the promise of a cuddle very soon when you have calmed down/finished stirring the custard.

This last part is important. Ideally, children grow up with a strong sense of self, and a strong knowledge that they can and should say ‘no’ to things. They will grow up understanding about personal boundaries, and are less likely to find themselves in damaging relationships where they submit to things simply because they don’t value themselves as people enough.

In addition, a reluctant cuddle is, in my opinion, probably worse than none at all. Children are not stupid. They know when our heart’s not in a cuddle, and it will simply defeat the object. A cuddle is mean to transmit love physically to your child. A reluctant cuddle just transmits resentment. Far better to be kindly honest with your child, and ask him to respect your need to control your personal boundaries just as you respect his.

One last point: don’t feel bad if you find that one of your children seems to have far more cuddles than another. Just like adults, all children are different and they all have different needs. It’s OK if one child needs more than others. What you don’t want is to be taking one of your children’s needs more seriously than another’s.

In conclusion: yes, you can give your child too many cuddles, but too many cuddles simply means cuddling your child too much for him, and too few cuddles means not cuddling your child enough for him.

Would love to hear your thoughts!

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Image: DerPlau, Flickr

Helping your pre-teens to love their bodies

Well I am now officially the parent of a twelve year old girl! A wonderful birthday was had and a happy household all round. Over the past year, C has really changed shape drastically and now has the body of a young woman (gulp). She finds this quite hard to deal with although I can see that on some level she quite enjoys it too.

This is such an important time as at this age, children are beginning to build a picture of the adult shape they may have and we can make such a huge difference to how they feel about that. Here are a few tips which may help your child accept and love their newly emerging adult bodies:

1/ Be relaxed about your own body in front of them. Even if you have your own body issues, try really hard not to express them in front of your child. We are their role models for how they view their bodies so if they see that we judge ourselves for not being ‘perfect; then guess what? They will judge themselves that way too.

2/ Emphasise that beauty comes in many forms and is not dependant on being young, skinny and ‘perfect’. It is certain that they will be exposed to this idea outside the home as they grow up but we owe it to them to be a different voice.

3/ Do not talk about diets or weight loss in front of them. We are bombarded every day with the idea that diets work and that we can all be thin. Let’s face it – they don’t and we can’t! Talk about balanced diets and food for energy and optimum health and try to get them to see eating healthily as taking care of themselves and never about losing weight.

4/ Model the idea of exercise as a fun and satisfying thing, this doesn’t need to be running or the gym but can be walking the dog, dancing or going out on their scooter. Cultivate the idea that a strong body is a beautiful thing regardless of its shape.

5/ Make sure they know that magazines and billboards are fake – people don’t look like that. Their only purpose is to sell an aspiration so that they can sell stuff we don’t need. I am very proud to say that C thinks advertising is the devils work – as do I and she scorns it and knows it is all fake!

6/ Don’t praise or scold your child for their body shape! This sounds daft I know; C has a sticky out tummy (really normal at her age) and amazing long legs. We don’t make mention of either of them unless she does; praise them for who they are, not for body features they were born with. Of course you can tell them they are beautiful but they shouldn’t feel that you are any prouder of that than you are of their brains, wit and lovely personality.

C is growing up to be a very beautiful young woman who loves her body but loves herself for who she is inside as well. I know that she will have struggles with self image as she spends more time out in the world but I hope that the confidence that we have helped her to have in herself will show her that she should be proud of herself just as she is.

By Suzy Colebeck

I have to say this my own body image, and my attitude to it, is something  I really struggle with hiding from my daughters. Would love to hear some tips from other mums of girls of how to change this. On another note, Suzy’s lovely post reminded me of a great blog post someone sent me a link to yesterday from last month: Waking Up Full of Awesome. Go check it out!

How do you help your children deal with grief?

This week I have been thinking about grieving; images of the Twin Towers in New York are everywhere and it brings it all back. C was almost two when the planes hit the towers and didn’t understand any of it. It was so distressing and now it is so moving seeing people talk a decade later about the day they lost their loved ones.

A woman who was seven months pregnant when she lost her husband who was working in one of the towers was talking on the news about grief. She said that it is a process and it is not the same for everyone but that you have to just let it happen.

This made me think about how we help our children deal with grief and loss. Until fairly recently, people would very often shelter their children from it and keep them away from funerals and death to try to protect them.

I have seen first hand that this doesn’t work; children need outlets for their sadness and support to deal with it. We learned a great deal about this when C was eight and lost her beloved Grandpa. I thought this might be a good time to share a little of what we learned from that sad experience.

Let your children see your sadness

Children need to learn how to deal with their emotions; if they see that we are sad and grieving but that we can still cope and still be there for them, they will learn that they too can cope. We shouldn’t try to be superheroes that show no feelings, expressing feelings of grief and sadness is healthy and part of the process.

Let your children be part of the process

We talked to C as her Grandpa became increasingly ill, we asked her at every stage if she wanted to continue to visit him. She always said yes even though it was very sad, she wanted to be there and I know that at times he knew she was there. Strangely enough, some of those times were also beautiful, moving and even funny as we all gathered in his room chatting, laughing and crying. We were all in it together, facing it as a unit who could support each other.

Encourage them to talk about how they are feeling

We made time after visits to talk, to make sure C had her questions answered and even just that she got to cry and feel sad. We still do now, from time to time when she thinks of him she gets sad and we try to always make time for that and give her space to talk.

Have little ceremonies to remember the person

We are not religious and neither was Grandpa. We had a humanist funeral for him which was beautiful and again involved lots of tears and laughter. We now all get together every year on the anniversary of his death to be together, to raise a toast, laugh and cry and remember. We think of him every birthday and every Christmas and take time to remember how special those times were to him.

It is now over four years since Grandpa died and I take huge comfort in knowing that we handled it so well, grief was expressed, no-one hid their feelings and we all supported each other. C still misses him as do we all and we can talk about him and remember his funny ways as well as his annoying ones.

I would thoroughly recommend this approach should you have to support your child through grief; death and grief are a part of life and we need to be brave and help each other get through it.

My thoughts are with all of those who lost loved ones ten years ago and also with any of you who are facing loss and grief, it does get easier but you never forget and you become stronger through the experience.

By Suzy Colebeck

Tantrum check list #7 – anxiety

OK, it may not be the fear of something that initially sets off a child’s tantrum, but, as we’ve already discussed in the other posts in the tantrum check list series, often the thing that triggers a meltdown is not really what’s behind the emotional outburst.

There is an endless list of things that could be worrying your child to the extent that the slightest thing removes all control she has over her emotions, and working out what it is can sometimes seem to be an impossible task.

Here are a few suggestions, but really, the best thing to do is to take some time when you and your child are calm and talk to her or him about life in general. Actually, don’t talk, listen. More than anything, a child who is feeling anxious about something needs to feel heard by the people she loves and trusts more than anyone else.

So:

Is your child due to start a new class at school?

Could there be someone at school who is upsetting him?

Is she feeling a bit overwhelmed about the prospect of growing up – maybe a birthday’s on the way and she’s struggling with a conflict between excitement and a desire to stay little?

Has he overheard a conversation between you and another adult that has worried him?

Is there something new coming up that could be worrying him? His first sleepover? A part in a school play?

Has she got her first wobbly tooth? This can be hugely exciting for some children, and terrifying for others.

And when you think you might have worked it out, you need to decide what to do about it…or not. On so many occasions I have found that the old adage ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ really is true, particularly for children.

Sometimes the weight of carrying a fear alone can be to heavy for a child to bear, and the result is panic and tantrums, and sometimes even bad dreams, but by telling it to someone she loves can often ease the burden enough to settle those stressful feelings.

At other times, simply sharing the problem doesn’t help and an action plan is required. By this I mean sitting down and talking openly and honestly about what ideas you and your child – in fact, particularly your child! – can come up with that might help whatever is worrying him.

By taking any ideas your child has as seriously as your own, you are empowering him to begin to learn how to be more self-aware and how to manage his emotions with less and less of your input as he grows up.

Again, often simply the creation of a plan can help, and you may find that enacting any of the ideas isn’t necessary. Actually writing the plan down can be a particularly powerful way of showing your child how seriously you’re taking his concerns.

Of course sometimes it is vital that action is taken – if your child is being bullied, for example, and if you and she are unable to come up with any helpful ideas of how she can manage the situation herself. Or if he really is so petrified of going on stage that it’s just not worth him doing it.

In these situations, it is also, in my opinion, important to show your child that you won’t force them to do something that is causing them so much internal stress. This sort of action builds trust, and can only have a positive effect on how your child learns who they are, and the things that are right for them to do.

I’d love to hear other parents’ experiences of anxiety-induced tantrums, and if you have any tips as to how to help your child with things they’re scared of.

And here is the page from which you can access all the other tantrum check list posts.

 

Breastfeeding: surviving the first 6 weeks – Guest Post

Welcome to our first ever guest post, from Imogen of Alternative Mama.

Breastfeeding. We know that, where possible, it’s the best way to feed a baby. We know that the health benefits, physical and emotional, are second to none. And we also know that it can be flippin’ hard work, especially in the first few weeks of new motherhood.

Unfortunately, when it comes to breastfeeding, we are generally set up for failure from the very beginning. From the moment we start hearing that famous slogan, “Breast is Best”, the pressure is well and truly on to get it right. When we tell our caring family and friends that we want to breastfeed, we are often met with “Don’t get your hopes up”.

And after baby arrives, and it’s time to get down to business, what passes for breastfeeding support in most hospitals is likely the reason for our low breastfeeding rate – surveys carried out in 2005 revealed that although 78% of mothers started out breastfeeding, only 45% were still breastfeeding exclusively by 1 week postpartum. By 6 weeks, just 21% of babies were exclusively breastfed.

Obviously, any amount of breastmilk is beneficial to a baby. All breastfeeding should be applauded and celebrated – whether the mother is breastfeeding exclusively, partially, or pumping. However, there are hundreds of women all over the world who, for various reasons, stopped breastfeeding sooner than they really wanted to. And, as the numbers above show by the shockingly large 57% drop, many of those women found the first 6 weeks to be the hardest.

This really isn’t a surprise. Early motherhood is hard. As a mother who has breastfed two babies, and a breastfeeding peer supporter of 3 years, I’d like to share with you my top tips for surviving the first 6 weeks of breastfeeding your new baby.

1. Never be afraid to ask for help

Yes, the midwives in the hospital are busy. Yes, the local La Leche League Leader may well have lots of other women to help. Yes, your health visitor does have lots of other women to visit. Does that mean that you should forego asking for the support you need? No way!

You and your baby are just as important as anybody else. Even if you’ve had someone check your latch seven times already, if you’re not sure that it’s ok, ask again! Many long-term breastfeeding problems can be avoided entirely with good support early and often, which leads me onto my next point…

2. Get the right kind of help

Unfortunately, breastfeeding support – especially in large, busy hospitals – sometimes leaves a lot to be desired. I have heard so many awful stories of women and babies being manhandled by brusque nurses and midwives, or being left to fend for themselves, or having eyes rolled at their requests for support.

Similarly, some staff and volunteers can be militant about breastfeeding. Neither side is helpful or truly supportive. Some things you need to know:

• A good breastfeeding supporter will never, ever put their hands on you or your baby in order to show you how to breastfeed
• A good breastfeeding supporter will listen to you, and never make you feel like you are inconveniencing them
• A good breastfeeding supporter will never underestimate your desire to breastfeed
• A good breastfeeding supporter will never overestimate your desire to breastfeed
• A good breastfeeding supporter will encourage, support and help you without judging you or pressuring you

Don’t get me wrong; there are hundreds of wonderful, kind, knowledgeable and helpful nurses, midwives and breastfeeding supporters out there. It’s important that you find them, and allow them to help you. Some great places to start are The NCT, La Leche League and local Sure Start Children’s Centres. The NCT and LLL both run 24-hour breastfeeding helplines, so you can find a listening ear at whatever time you need one.

If you haven’t found one yet, find a local breastfeeding support group. Being able to chat with other mums who have been where you are right now, or who are going through it right alongside you, is invaluable.

3. Take it one day at a time

Each day with a new baby brings challenges. Sometimes you will feel as though you have reached the end of your rope. When you throw in the exhaustion, the piles of laundry everywhere, the baby blues and a sore postpartum body… is it any wonder that so many women feel that breastfeeding is too much of a challenge?

The key to getting through those first few weeks is to set yourself small goals. Sure, some people prefer to set a longer goal of 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 12 weeks… but many just need to take it day by day. For the first 8 weeks of my first sons life, I told myself almost daily that I would just breastfeed him for the remainder of that day, and then go buy bottles and formula the very next morning. Eventually, everything clicked into place and we shared a beautiful breastfeeding relationship for 26 months – far longer than I had ever imagined.

4. Big decisions are better left until morning

The decision to stop breastfeeding should be treated like handing in your notice at work. You wouldn’t do it when you are angry and at the very peak of your frustration. With breastfeeding (and mothering a newborn in general), things often look better in the morning. Many mothers put in place a rule for themselves that the decision to stop breastfeeding should only be made in daylight hours – after all, it’s hard to see clearly in the wee hours when you’ve been up for hours with a small person and it feels like you’re the only person in the whole world who’s not sleeping soundly.

5.  Remember yourself

In the hustle and bustle of life as a new parent, it is easy to forget about yourself and your needs. All mothers need rest and recuperation, especially breastfeeding mums who have the added physical tax on their body of producing milk to sustain their babies.

Breastfeeding burns 500-700 extra calories every day so make sure you are eating enough. Contrary to popular belief, a perfectly balanced nutritional diet is not generally necessary to produce enough milk.

Everybody is different, and some mothers do experience a supply dip if their diet is lousy, but in most cases it’s not the milk that will suffer – it will be your own health. It is advisable to take a multivitamin (there are a few that are specially made for lactating mothers) in the weeks following the birth, just to help ‘fill in the gaps’ that might be missing from your diet – after all, trying to find the time to cook wholesome meals is pretty close to impossible in the postpartum period.

If you find yourself feeling low, dizzy, tired or shaky after the first week, ask your midwife to arrange an iron level test for you. Anaemia is common following the birth of a baby, and can greatly affect your mood and energy levels.

Aside from the physical side of things, you need to take care of yourself emotionally too. If you find yourself needing some space, do what you can to get it. Even the most boob-loving babies are often content to snuggle in a sling with Daddy, or another caregiver, for a couple of hours giving you a chance to have a bath, go for a solo walk, read a book or pop to a neighbours house for a drink and a natter.

Craving some time away from your baby does not make you a bad mum. Similarly, don’t feel like you *should* have time away from your babe if that’s not what you want.

6. Consider co-sleeping

OK, there’s no point in pretending otherwise– babies feed a lot in the night. In fact, in the first few weeks, they sometimes like to feed all. night. long. This, although exhausting, is completely normal.

Your baby has spent their entire life on the inside, having never felt hunger or the sensation of freeness that they now have. They also have incredibly tiny little tummies, much better suited to frequent snacking than big feeds.

There’s no getting away from the fact that you will be up with your baby a lot during the night, but there are ways to make it much easier. Co-sleeping with your baby will help them to sleep for longer stretches because your presence will be comforting to them. If you can master breastfeeding whilst lying down, then you won’t have to get up at all (save a nappy change or two if your baby poops).

I didn’t co-sleep with our first. After discovering just how much easier night-times are now we co-sleep with our second child, I wish we could go back and do it again. There’s just no need to make life any harder for yourself than it needs to be.

Many people worry that co-sleeping will get the baby ‘used’ to sleeping in the bed with you – I always answer this by gently reminding that actually, the baby is already used to sleeping with you.

Of course, co-sleeping isn’t for everybody, but if the only thing that is putting you off is worries about safety or the forming of habits, please don’t let that put you off. Co-sleeping carries no elevated risk of smothering or cot death, providing that safe sleep guidelines are followed (see also). And as for habits… well, it is no easier or harder to enforce a new routine later on than it is early on – so you might as well do whatever gets you through the tough parts, and worry about the future when the time comes.

7. Surrender

The advice you may have been given with regards to your labour and birth – surrender and let it happen – is also a fantastic thing to remember when breastfeeding and mothering a newborn.

For the first couple of months, you will probably spend the vast majority of your day sitting down on the sofa feeding a baby. Some people welcome this change of pace, whereas others – like myself with my first baby – find it very, very difficult.

Having a baby is a massive culture shock, and you may feel as though you have been plunged into chaos. I promise you, this feeling won’t last. The seemingly endless feeds will eventually space out. Soon, your baby will be a strapping young toddler, charging around, and the days you spent chained to the couch will be a hazy memory.

Surrender to your baby. It is normal for them to want to feed a lot. It is normal for them to want to be in your arms all of the time. Many parents find themselves urged to put their babies down instead of holding them – my answer to this is if it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. If you want to hold your baby, hold them. If your baby wants to nurse, trust them.

Fighting the raw, unscheduled needs of a newborn is a futile exercise that will only end in frustration for both of you. From one mama to another, I urge you to try to surrender to it as best you can. Things really will settle down, I promise. Scheduling your baby’s feeds will almost certainly negatively impact your supply, and will likely drive you crazy, too

All in all, go easy on yourself. Breastfeeding is a learned skill for both mother and baby. You will get the hang of it, and so will they. There’s no point in trying to pretend that breastfeeding is easier in the early days – it’s not. It’s way harder for many people. BUT, you are laying a foundation for much easier months to come.

Imogen O’Reilly is a blogging, writing, tattoo-collecting mother of two young boy-children. She is a trained breastfeeding peer supporter and an aspiring La Leche League Leader from Devon, UK. You can read more from Imogen at her blog, Alternative Mama. You can also follow her on Twitter: @altrnativemama and her Facebook page is at: facebook.com/alternativemama  

If you would like to write a guest post for Free Your Parenting, please contact me using the form on this page, and I’ll send you some posting guidelines.

When your toddler refuses to move

The pros and cons of various approaches

A lot of parents will recognise that sinking feeling you experience when you have an uncooperative toddler and you need to be somewhere.You just know they’re going to dig their heels in, but you take a deep breath, after giving them that iconic ‘five minute warning’, and go for it…but your toddler doesn’t.

Maybe he has a tantrum, or maybe he goes on strike, sitting down and refusing to budge. Or maybe he just carries on playing, as if you never even spoke.

I’m pretty certain I’m not the only mum who has lived through this delightful experience! And I’m probably not the only one who’s got it wrong quite a lot of times. I have spent many years trying to work out the best way to deal with this conundrum, and I’ve come to the conclusion that there isn’t a perfect one, but some approaches are certainly better than others.

Here are a few that I (and many of my friends) have tried, along with their pros and cons.

The ‘just do it for her’ method.

With this method, you need to pick up your toddler, whether she’s kicking or screaming, or whatever, and carry her to her buggy or car-seat. Ideally, this method is done in a calm, controlled manner, but we all know that mostly it’s done while you fight back your own tears and talk to her through gritted teeth…or maybe you don’t even bother with that and are so close to the end of your tether that you just yell right back!

Pros

Quick and decisive – sometimes a dithering, helpless-seeming parent (which, let’s face it, we’ve all been from time to time) can worry a child into even worse behaviour. They need to trust that, ultimately, we know what we’re doing – they’re relying on us to see them safely through childhood, and it’s frightening to think that rock might not be so steady after all.

Cons

It’s noisy, and unpleasant for us, our toddlers, and anyone else who happens to be around at the time.

It’s pretty difficult to do if we have a baby to care for as well, or another toddler who is also putting the brakes on.

And it may be that, by forcibly overriding our children’s wishes, we’re giving them no chance to develop their rational thinking and caring-for-others abilities.

Oh, and there’s no way this approach can be good for our relationships with our children, which surely must have priority (although it’s difficult to see that when you’re in the heat of the moment).

The ‘decide not to leave after all’ method

Do you really – and by that I mean really – need to go? Could there be another way of getting what you need from the shop, for example, or could you stay for tea at your friend’s house? Maybe you just need to surrender to circumstances and have another cup of tea!

Pros

Our children will certainly feel that their feelings and desires have been taken as seriously as we take our own, which can only be good for our relationships with them, and for their sense of self-worth.

It’s not likely to be a traumatic or distressing experience.

We parents may find we really benefit from reconsidering what our priorities really are, and from slowing down a little to move at a speed a little close to that of our toddlers.

Cons

If we are self-sacrificing to achieve this – perhaps we’ve been really looking forward to reading our newspapers this evening and are really disappointed that we won’t get to the shop in time to buy it, or maybe our friend’s cooking leaves rather a lot to be desired and we really don’t want to hang around any later – then we are actually teaching our children that our feelings and desires are not important and don’t need to be taken seriously, which goes on to teach our children that their needs come before anyone else’s. (NB: This is not a disadvantage if you’re not self-sacrificing to take this approach)

People often think that this approach is really called ‘letting them walk all over us’ or ‘not showing them who’s boss’, but I don’t think we’re meant to be ‘the boss’. I think we’re meant to be ‘the guide’ and should be working with our children, not against them. However, taking our children’s desires as seriously as we take our own and those of adults can raise some eyebrows and elicit a few tuts!

In some cases, this approach will rely on other adults also taking our children seriously.

We may need to use some pretty creative thinking to work out how to get that essential bottle of wine, or how to get our older children to their ballet class, for instance, if we use this particular method

Bribery/Threat

That old chestnut. I’m sure you don’t need me to explain that one! OK, just in case – basically, it involves saying to our children ‘come on, if you leave now without a fuss I’ll give you some chocolate buttons to eat in the car’ or ‘if you don’t get in the car right now, you won’t be able to watch Octonauts later on’. Reward charts come into this category too.

If I had a pound for every time I’d used this little gem, I’d be a millionaire by now, I think! I’m not convinced it’s a helpful approach thought.

Pros

If it works, it’s quick, and fairly painless in the moment.

Cons

It doesn’t always work.

It’s kind of teaching the wrong message i.e. You do things solely for what you get out of it, not because it’s the right thing to do.

In the same way as the ‘just do it for them’ method, we’re not showing our children that we really respect their wishes by bribing or threatening them to get them to do what we want.

The ‘work out if there’s a way you can make leaving more pleasant for your child’ method

I suppose this could be construed as bribery, but it is very different really. It’s about talking with our children about our own desires and their’s and trying to find a solution that would suit you both. It’s essentially the same as the ‘decide not to leave after all’ approach, except it needs to be used when we would have to self-sacrifice in order to take it.

It means saying things like ‘You’re having a fantastic time playing with that Duplo, aren’t you? I need to go to the shop, though. Shall we take the buggy so you can bring some Duplo with you to play with?’ or ‘I want to go home to cook dinner in a minute, Billy, but I can see you’re having a lovely time here. Shall I come back to pick you up in half an hour?’ or ‘Would you like to choose what we’ll have to eat tonight, and help me cook it?’.

This isn’t the same as ‘offering choices’, which, in my opinion, are usually blindingly obvious to children as non-choices and, therefore, don’t feel that same sense of being taken seriously as important individuals.

Pros

By taking this approach, we’re making it really clear that we really do value and respect our children’s desires, and that we value and respect our own equally.

We’re modelling respectful problem-solving and team-work.

As parents, we may really find that our life improves when we start to think about other ways of doing things – life doesn’t need to be as simple as ‘this’ or ‘that’, and it’s freeing when we can allow ourselves to explore the ‘or the others’.

Cons

It can be really difficult to think creatively like this when we’re tired, or stressed.

It can take a lot of time.

It all gets much more complicated when there are other children involved, although I do believe that family relationships can only improve when we encourage our children to take each other’s feelings and desires seriously and when we practise working together to find solutions that are as close to pleasing everyone involved as possible.

We may need to rely on other adults being willing to help find a solution, and this can be difficult if they’re the sort of adults who think children should be seen and not heart, and certainly shouldn’t be involved in family decision-making!

A final note

If you do choose to take one of the ‘creative problem solving’ approaches, I think it’s worth me sharing with you that, in my experience, sometimes children do just want to be told what to do, and this is one of those eternal conundrums in parenthood – when to be ‘in charge’ and when not to. I guess you have to follow your instincts.

If you say ‘right, we’re leaving now!’, and your child’s face crumples, and he stamps his feet, then it’s clear that he’s not happy to be led right now. If, on the other hand, you say ‘would you like to take some toys to the shop or maybe we could buy a chocolate while we’re there, or you could take your trike, or the buggy…?’ and his face crumples and he stamps his feet, then probably the potential choices are frazzling his brain and really he just wants to be told what to do right now.

And, yes, they won’t understand exactly what you’re saying, but hopefully they’ll sense your intention and feeling, and respond accordingly…well, that’s the idea, anyway!

Working this out gets harder the older they get, by the way…just to warn you!

I would really love to hear what you think about this – are there any approaches I’ve missed out? What have you tried and found works well?

Older babies who are still breastfeeding at night

A friend of mine is struggling with her older baby who is still breastfeeding at night at the moment, so this post is dedicated to her.

Why do older breastfed babies continue to wake at night?

We all know that it’s not just breastfed babies that continue to wake at night, but the perception that it is just them, and that it’s because of being breastfed, is a strong one. However, it does appear that breastfed babies continue to wake at night longer than formula fed babies. This is probably because it is so easy to breastfeed a baby that’s woken to help them settle back to sleep – far easier than rocking them or shushing them or patting them is – so breastfeeding mums tend to resort to doing that when their babies are young. This is the basis of the advice not to feed your baby to sleep in the early weeks/months because otherwise your baby will never learn to self-settle. But, you know, feeding our babies to sleep is what comes naturally to us, so there’s probably a reason for it as there usually is for things that come naturally. And it probably means that it’s not a bad thing to do, as well! When you feed your baby to sleep, you’re filling her full of lovely sleepy hormones that help her to get good sleep…and you release the same hormones, so you should sleep better too. Yes, you may wake more often, but when you’re asleep, you sleep better – it’s more ‘efficient’ sleep. Small babies wake to feed frequently because they have small stomachs and it helps build your milk supply, but older babies wake to feed because, like adults, they need to wake to check that they’re safe. If they feel unsafe, they need to be reassured that they’re OK, that their adults are still there caring for them and loving them. Obviously breastfeeding is the quickest way to prove that to them. When we use formula milk to feed our young babies, they sometimes wake less often than breastfed babies for hunger because the milk is less digestible and sits in their stomachs for longer. In addition, formula feeding mums are more likely to ‘train’ their babies to settle themselves to sleep because preparing a formula feed in the night is far more of a pain in the bum than settling your baby by using a dummy and rocking or shushing them. But waking at night is normal, and natural, and, biologically, it is very, very unusual for a baby to naturally start to sleep through the night until they’re really quite old. The very wonderful Kathy Dettwyler thinks that 3-4 years is probably the natural age for sleeping through the night. Having said that, it’s also entirely normal for adults to continue waking at night – we are just secure enough not to need another adult to reassure us in the same way a baby does. So, by feeding your baby to sleep, all you’ve done is not taught her to ignore her instincts, which is good, right? Well, not when it’s driving you up the wall a few months later!

Do you really want to stop breastfeeding at night?

Some mums seem to prefer night feeds to daytime feeds. Babies feeding at night are usually more settled and less distracted. It can be lovely, warm, cosy, special time that you share with no-one and nothing else, and you don’t have to stop what you’re doing to do it (well, apart from sleeping!). You don’t have to worry about anyone seeing and disapproving – you can just relax into enjoying it. Unless you’re not enjoying it, that is. Not enjoying night feeding and fighting it makes it a million times more tiring than enjoying it and relaxing into it, even if you spend the same amount of time doing it. It’s like when children are ill. If you’re lying awake with insomnia all night, and you’re frustrated and annoyed by it, it’s far more tiring somehow than being awake all night nursing your ill child. Essentially, if you secretly quite like the night feeds, then there’s no reason to stop them – just keep on enjoying them. If you can’t bear to do them any more, then read on!

How can you stop night feeds?

Firstly it’s helpful to understand sleep cycles. Young babies have a sleep cycle that lasts about an hour. Adults have one that lasts about ninety minutes. At the end of each cycle, we stir and, if we’re comfortable and feel safe, we go straight back to sleep again. If we’re thirsty, or need a wee, or scared, we wake up properly and have to start going back to sleep from scratch again. One of the things you can try is starting the shushing/patting/whatever-settling-technique-you-prefer as soon as your baby starts to stir – before she’s woken right up and you have to start from scratch. If your baby does wake up, you may have some luck if you have a beaker of water ready on your bedside table in case your baby’s waking thirsty. Two of my children responded well to this trick, and two didn’t at all, but it’s probably worth trying. Even better, get your baby’s other parent to offer the water and try settling her. Sometimes babies are waking expecting milk, and we half-wake and sleepily just stick a breast in their mouths, but Dads can’t do that, so they’ll instinctively try something else first. I had my babies close together, so my toddlers often began to sleep next to their Dad rather than me, and that helped – he could settle them before they woke properly. Gradually, as they had fewer and fewer night feeds, they began to need them less and less. The other thing to bear in mind, though, is the ‘insecure toddler cycle’ (can you tell I’m fond of these little cycle thingies?)

One way to break the cycle is to surrender to your toddler’s need for closeness. Some mums find that when they relax into it, and accept it, they can begin to enjoy it a little, and their babies quickly have less need to cling as their subconsciousnesses get more and more reassured that, yes, their Mum does indeed love them and will indeed be there for them when they need them.

Of course, it’s not a quick fix, and it won’t stop your baby feeding at night, but it may stop them feeding at a frequency that is so exhausting. And it may not work at all – unfortunately, there are no certainties in parenting!

Learning to let go

One of the perilous things about having an older child is that they will start to crave space and independence which can be terrifying and sad at the same time. As with everything, the way you handle it can make all the difference. It can seem like the child is pushing away from you but they aren’t, they are going through the necessary process of starting to become adults.

Just like aging for us doesn’t happen overnight, this is a slow and incremental process which you may not even notice at first. Our job as parents is to make sure they do it safely and appropriately and to help them to see independence and growing up as a positive thing.

The first thing to go in our house was the bedtime story, I don’t remember exactly when but around eight years old, our girl wanted to read by herself in her room. She felt very grown up doing it.

Then when she was about nine she wanted to be able to pop to the local shop so we helped her to be able to do that, my heart was in my mouth and I watched out of the window the whole time! She was fine and she loved it and felt grown up and trusted. Soon after that came sleepovers with friends and that was fine too.

Now she is almost twelve and we are facing new challenges everyday, she recently expressed a desire to catch the bus home from school alone (a 40 minute journey) and she likes to meet friends and have a milkshake! I found this terrifying at first but she has relished it and been in the main hugely sensible. Like most people, it is not that I don’t trust her, more that I cannot control how the outside world behaves.

However, she is going to be out there on her own in the world one day (sob!) so she needs to learn how to negotiate it. Most of the time people will be fine but sometimes they won’t and part of life is finding out how to deal with that. We understandably want to shield our children but they need the skills to navigate the world or they will never be functioning adults.

Soon she will go and stay with her nana three hundred miles away for a week and I can’t control what will happen or be there if anything goes wrong. The thing is though, she wants to go so she understands that she has to cope with anything that may happen and that we are always on the end of a phone.

I don’t like it, it makes me feel very nervous but I want her to embrace growing up and independence and so I will take my cues from her as long as I consider they are appropriate. Sometimes I say no, she is still young and I know what she can handle and my job is also to hold back challenges she is not ready for.

The thing is about taking this approach, your kids will love you for helping them spread their wings and they will have moments where they will want to go back. This morning, my daughter threw her arms around me and asked me to go and pick her up from school today.

She has recently started to ask me to read to her in the mornings while she eats her breakfast. I am delighted to do so safe in the knowledge that she is learning to grow up at a pace that suits her but that sometimes, she is still my little girl.

By Suzy Colebeck

Just goes to show how the ‘two steps forward, one step back’ thing just keeps on going – starts at birth, is really noticeable in toddlerhood and possibly never ends! I certainly see my eight-year old doing the same as Suzy’s daughter – desperate to be grown up and then suddenly desperate to be my little girl again. Would love to hear readers’ experiences – please comment.

Weaning your two-year old from the breast

Someone asked me last week about this issue, and it’s certainly something I’ve been asked plenty of times in the past, so I thought it would be a good idea to write about it today.

Firstly, let’s talk about the experience for your toddler – understanding that can make it easier to work out how to wean them gently. The problem with weaning two-year old is that they are much better at telling you exactly why they’re annoyed with you, and they’re also much more determined not to be distracted from the thing that brings them so much comfort.

Although some schools of thought suggest that it’s easier to wean a baby when they’re younger, that’s only really the case for the parent – it’s likely that it’s no less stressful for your baby, however old they are.

Now, I’m not here to tell you that you all ought to be feeding your babies until they’re going to school – we all need to do what’s comfortable for us, and what works for all of the members in their family – but the fact is that it is not physiologically normal for babies to wean from the breast until they’re really quite a lot older than you’d expect.

By weaning your baby earlier than is physiologically normal, you need to know that your baby may find things stressful simply because of the affect that breastfeeding has on your toddler.

As well as getting lots of breastmilk, which is obviously still very good for him, your toddler also gets all those lovely hormones rushing around his body. The hormones do all sorts of good things – make him feel loved, help to manage any pain he might have and, very importantly for toddlers, relaxes and calms them.

It’s almost like having a regular meditation or yoga session – lots of mums of breastfed toddlers think they have fewer tantrums than they would if they weren’t breastfeeding and there are physiological reasons why that might be true.

However, mums of breastfed toddlers also talk about how hugely frustrating it is to sit and feed sometimes; about how they grit their teeth through feeds and are desperate to stop.

Self-sacrificing as a parent is, in my opinion, not good for children. They are very sensitive to things like this, and will pick up on our resentment of them. We’ve all been there, but reminding ourselves that we need to take ourselves seriously, as well as our children, is really important.

So how do you reconcile your needs and those of your toddler? Here are a few tips:

• You  may find you  need to substitute the feeds with much more intense mothering time, and not necessarily at the same time you would be feeding, but just so that, overall, there is plenty of loving, close time you and your toddler can share

• Think of other relaxing things you can do with your toddler – bathing together (although sometimes the proximity of bare breasts can be just too tempting and a bit teasing, so do that one carefully); massage; reading stories together

• Don’t say ‘no’, just say ‘a bit later’ in an attempt to prolong intervals between feeds gradually, and don’t break your promise – if they begin to feel they can’t trust you, then they’ll just feel insecure and want to feed even more

• Shorten feeds by saying ‘until I count to 5’ or ‘until I’ve finished singing ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star’

• Expect the process to take a long time

• Instead of resisting feeding, surrender willingly to it – as I said earlier, your toddler may well want to feed more if he feels insecure because of your reluctance to do it

• Get Dad to settle your toddler in the nights

• Don’t let your toddler get distressed – try gently to distract him from each feed, but if that doesn’t work, just let him feed. Saying ‘no’ and insisting on it is often counter-productive

• If your toddler’s happy to, try to restrict breastfeeds to ‘only when it’s light outside’ or ‘only when it’s dark outside’, depending on whether it’s night or day feeds that are your particular bugbear (these strategies work particularly well when you’re coming to a clock-change time of year)

• Be out a lot – toddlers often breastfeed from boredom, so spending a lot of time out of the house can distract them from the desire to breastfeed

• Don’t forget that your toddler will need more fluids to drink than he usually does if he’s breastfeeding less

• There’s no reason why, if you feel after a few days or weeks that this just isn’t the right time to wean, you can’t go backwards a few steps – maybe your feelings have changed, or you’re noticing that your baby is showing signs that they just can’t cope with weaning yet

• Question why you want to wean. Do you really need to? Are you doing it for you, or for society? Have you had negative comments from people motivating your desire to wean? Do you secretly still love it and wish you could continue? If that’s the case, why not just keep on going? Trust that your child is programmed to grow up and become and adult one day – just because he’s still breastfeeding now, or at three/four/five does not mean he’ll still be feeding when he’s thirty and he’s bringing his fiance home for you to meet!

What strategies did you use to wean your toddler? Did you decide to wean and then change your mind? Please feel free to share your experiences in the comments to help other mums of breastfed toddlers.