Getting tangled up in our children’s issues

So, a very relevant topic for me right now: the power of stepping back emotionally. I think most parents have a tendency to want to help their children work through things. It’s normal, and kind, and part and parcel of being a parent. But I have learnt something recently about learning how to help children appropriately, and it’s something very subtle.

It’s not like saying ‘don’t step in and sort out all your children’s battles for them’. That’s very obviously not a very empowering way to help children learn how to manage things. No, what I have learnt recently is quite how confused we can make a situation when we get too  emotionally involved in it.

We all worry about our children, so when we see them going through a rough patch, we instantly want to help. Most of us know that we need to be careful how much help we give children, and try to take a step back from actually sorting things out for them.
It’s also human nature to want to jump in and solve it for them, but, as I said already, we know to hold ourselves back from that. Why? Why don’t we jump in and solve it for them?But how many of us find ourselves worrying and fretting, talking to friends and family about the situation, trying to work out what we can be doing to ease things along a little? I know I do, and I know most other parents to as well – it’s human nature.

Probably because we know that we all need to work out how to fix things ourselves eventually. If we don’t know how to wire a plug, and we pay someone to do it for us every time, then we never learn how to do it ourselves. If babies are always carried upstairs then they’ll never learn to do it themselves.

Jean Piaget said:

When you teach a child something, you take away for ever his chance of discovering it for himself.

And why is that so important? Because when we learn something by ourselves, through our own experience and using all that we’ve learnt already on our path up to this point, then we learn it deeply. It changes us and shapes us and guides us further along our path.

When we are simply ‘taught’ something (i.e. spoon-fed it), then we only learn it on a superficial level, and it doesn’t really change us personally.

At some level we know this, as parents, and, unless we are so controlling that we can’t get a handle on how to step back from our children’s struggles, we let them get on with it as far as we can.

But is that enough? Is physically stepping back really enough?

I don’t think it is. I think we need to step back emotionally as well. When you watch a small child negotiating a climbing frame and you’re standing well back, and you’re not worried, just interested, they tend to climb confidently and sensibly. When you hover underneath them, whispering ‘careful’ under your breath, they are anxious and look back at you, and don’t make rational decisions. They pick up on the energy we send to them – anxious, jumpy energy from parent = anxious, jumpy child.

And this is no hippy woo stuff – this is real. Quantum physicists know that energy can affect things from a distance. All energy is connected.

So imagine how it works for a child who is trying to work through some complicated situation – maybe she’s going through a very anxious phase, or struggling with a friendship – and, although you’re doing a good job of standing back, your energy is still there, hovering around her, interfering with her energy, which she needs to be focussing on solving her problem.

Spending our emotional energy worrying about our children’s issues is not only painful for us, but painful for our children too, and is actually counter-productive, making issues far harder to resolve.

I know this to be true because I have had it shown to me time and time again by my own children. Maybe one day I’ll actually remember it at the beginning of the issue, instead of by the time I’m tearing my hair out worrying about it!

My most recent example is one of my children suddenly becoming very clingy and emotional, fearful at night, unable to sleep, and needing constant attention and physical contact. First I did the ‘OK let’s try this’ approach…which of course didn’t work.

Then I remembered: ‘hang on – she needs to fix this herself – stop trying to do it for her’. So I did stop…but I didn’t stop worrying. It took up most of my conversations with friends, most of my journalling time, and most of my meditations.

And then suddenly, I can’t remember quite why, I remembered…just disentangle my anxious energy from hers. Her path is her path and she has to walk it alone. She can have me alongside her as long as she needs me, but on my own path, not on hers. Because if I’m on her path, I get in the way.

Suddenly I was at peace. I came back into my own power and I instantly knew she would be fine. She would get through this tough patch and be all the stronger for it, having learnt something new. I started to sleep better, and my conversations and meditations became more light-hearted again.

It took less than 24 hours for my energy shift to start to affect hers. Without my energy muddying the situation, she was able to resolve it herself quickly and efficiently. She started going to sleep easily and without needing one of us around; she stopped needing cuddles every minute of the day; and she stopped crying all the time.

That wasn’t to say I stopped caring, just that I disentangled my energy from hers. I held her, but stayed in my power while doing so. I felt her pain, but didn’t feel that I wanted to fix it for her.

It’s like the difference between sitting with someone who is crying and saying ‘please stop crying’; and sitting with someone who is crying and thinking ‘please stop crying; and sitting with someone who is crying and knowing this person needs to cry right now, but they don’t need to do it alone…and that’s it.

So next time your children have a situation you’re worrying about, try just stepping back emotionally as well as physically and see what happens. Stay in your power, and on your path, and see how much clearer the way is for your children to do the same, and how amazingly wonderful they are at listening to their intuition when yours isn’t sitting there whispering ‘careful’ into their ears.

PS. By the way, this is the essence of empathy vs. sympathy. Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone and wanting to make it better for them and getting in the way in the process. Empathy is being with them, but not getting in the way and not confusing things with your own messy energy.

This blog post is recommended by Giraffe Child Care.

Feel the fear and do it anyway – how can we equip our children to cope with fear and embrace the unknown?

We went to Go Ape last weekend for the girl’s 12^th Birthday trip – her idea not mine! I expected to be a bit scared but was definitely not prepared for the stomach churning, leg trembling and completely paralysing fear that I experienced on some of it. I had forgotten as most of us do what it feels like to be terrified. It is often also true that as we get older we get scared less as we have done more things and we know for sure that we will be okay. Kids don’t yet have that bank of experiences to give them the confidence to know that they can cope so how can we help them?

The first way is really the default advice for any situation where your child is expressing a fear, anxiety or worry – let them express it and don’t minimise it. This can be really hard as to us our kids problems can seem trivial – they aren’t; try to remember how you felt when you were a kid and worried about something – I can bet it felt like the end of the world.

Help them confront the fear – if it needs to be confronted

This is your call really, if your child quivers and is terrified of any dog no matter how soft and it is affecting trips out or visits to friends, it is probably time to try to confront this fear. If they are frightened when big dogs run and jump at them – well that to me is a perfectly valid and rational fear!

I remember my sister being terrified of loud noises as a kid. It was fine most of the time but we lived in inner city Birmingham where there were often Asian festivals and celebrations near us which involved a lot of loud fireworks. It got to the point where she would not go out as soon as it got dark. My parents decided that they needed to help her confront this so they firmly and gently insisted that she went outside (with them) without her hands over her ears and just see how it felt. Of course what happened was that she realised that she had been making it seem worse and she actually quite enjoyed it and the fear left her.

Show them how to cope with the physical symptoms of fear

When we are really scared, we get flooded with adrenaline hormones and this makes us want to run and to panic and we can’t really think clearly. Counting to ten, taking huge deep breaths and simply staying put for a minute can make a huge difference. Once the physical symptoms subside, we already start to feel less stressed and more able to find ways to cope. Remember to drop those shoulders, relax the jaw and breathe – I promise it helps a lot.

Start to explore with them the worst thing that could happen

This sounds counter-intuitive I know but it really helps. When we are filled with fear, our brains catastrophise and imagine the very worst, we need to fight those thoughts. When I was at Go Ape and was at the most terrifying bit, I knew that I was scared but the fear that I was going to fall and die was irrational. I had to keep reminding myself that I was wearing a harness and that I was at all times strapped to something and could not fall to my death! That isn’t the same as dismissing a fear; it is just about keeping it in perspective and understanding what the real risks are.

Make sure that your child knows that perfection is neither realistic nor expected

Sometimes we are scared because we feel that we have to be the best, get top marks, not make any mistakes or somehow we have failed. Teach your kids that trying hard is enough, giving it a go is enough, the only way we fail in life is by letting fear stop us from trying things in our lives.

Model being a parent who deals with fear

This sounds hard I know but I just mean that our children should see that sometimes we are scared and want to run away too. If your child sees that you do this – guess what they will do as they grow up? I talk to C about challenges such as new work challenges, study worries or new social situations so that she can see that I was scared, I did it anyway and I was fine; mostly even over the moon!

Help them understand that overcoming fear feels amazing

After we had got around Go Ape, we were all so delighted with ourselves and so proud of each other. There is nothing in life as exhilarating as being able to conquer a fear, to do something we think we can’t; it makes you feel that you can do anything you want to and that is a great feeling.

I hope some of these are useful, I think it is so important that we help our children embrace fear and understand that we get nothing in life which is exciting without some fear and worry. Life is full of fear and wonderful challenges which will get us to the next phase in our lives or at the very least help us to feel stronger and more able to cope with life.

By Suzy Colebeck

See also Helping Children to Overcome Nervousness. Have you got any tips you can share about helping children to manage fear?

Helping your pre-teens to love their bodies

Well I am now officially the parent of a twelve year old girl! A wonderful birthday was had and a happy household all round. Over the past year, C has really changed shape drastically and now has the body of a young woman (gulp). She finds this quite hard to deal with although I can see that on some level she quite enjoys it too.

This is such an important time as at this age, children are beginning to build a picture of the adult shape they may have and we can make such a huge difference to how they feel about that. Here are a few tips which may help your child accept and love their newly emerging adult bodies:

1/ Be relaxed about your own body in front of them. Even if you have your own body issues, try really hard not to express them in front of your child. We are their role models for how they view their bodies so if they see that we judge ourselves for not being ‘perfect; then guess what? They will judge themselves that way too.

2/ Emphasise that beauty comes in many forms and is not dependant on being young, skinny and ‘perfect’. It is certain that they will be exposed to this idea outside the home as they grow up but we owe it to them to be a different voice.

3/ Do not talk about diets or weight loss in front of them. We are bombarded every day with the idea that diets work and that we can all be thin. Let’s face it – they don’t and we can’t! Talk about balanced diets and food for energy and optimum health and try to get them to see eating healthily as taking care of themselves and never about losing weight.

4/ Model the idea of exercise as a fun and satisfying thing, this doesn’t need to be running or the gym but can be walking the dog, dancing or going out on their scooter. Cultivate the idea that a strong body is a beautiful thing regardless of its shape.

5/ Make sure they know that magazines and billboards are fake – people don’t look like that. Their only purpose is to sell an aspiration so that they can sell stuff we don’t need. I am very proud to say that C thinks advertising is the devils work – as do I and she scorns it and knows it is all fake!

6/ Don’t praise or scold your child for their body shape! This sounds daft I know; C has a sticky out tummy (really normal at her age) and amazing long legs. We don’t make mention of either of them unless she does; praise them for who they are, not for body features they were born with. Of course you can tell them they are beautiful but they shouldn’t feel that you are any prouder of that than you are of their brains, wit and lovely personality.

C is growing up to be a very beautiful young woman who loves her body but loves herself for who she is inside as well. I know that she will have struggles with self image as she spends more time out in the world but I hope that the confidence that we have helped her to have in herself will show her that she should be proud of herself just as she is.

By Suzy Colebeck

I have to say this my own body image, and my attitude to it, is something  I really struggle with hiding from my daughters. Would love to hear some tips from other mums of girls of how to change this. On another note, Suzy’s lovely post reminded me of a great blog post someone sent me a link to yesterday from last month: Waking Up Full of Awesome. Go check it out!

What does your pre-teen child wish that you knew about them and their lives?

I read an article recently which talked about things that teenage children wish that their parents knew and understood about them. It got me thinking; I think I am a good mum and that the other half is a good dad, what’s more, we are a good team and are nearly always on the same page with our daughter and parenting in general. That said; I know that we can always do better and we need to always have the lines of communications as open as we can with our children. This is especially important as they reach puberty or those little ones we knew so well can start to seem like they are becoming strangers.

So to this end, I asked our daughter what things she wanted us to remember about her and the way she feels about her life at the moment. Well, once we both finished crying and hugging and declaring love, I realised that it was a lovely thing to do and can really help your child to know that you want to know them and to be there for them whatever age and stage they are at. Here is what our girl came up with:

Don’t think my thoughtful face is a grumpy or sad one: This one is hard for me; I rise to the bait too often and pester her to tell me what is wrong or moan that she is being miserable. Maybe sometimes she is but she tells me often she is just being thoughtful and just needs a bit of time. It is hard as a parent not to jump in straight away and want to fix everything but I can see here that leaving things for a while may be the answer.

I am often still listening when I am rolling my eyes: she tells me that sometimes she is annoyed but usually she knows I am talking sense and that it is going in! Once again, rise above the eye rolling, fight the urge to snap and just let it go. Pre-teen children need to learn to be separate people from us and this is one of the ways they start to express this, don’t take it personally.

When I go up to my room, sometimes it is because I feel the need to be alone: Sometimes our daughter wants to be in her room so that she can be on her D.S uninterrupted or listen to the same Dr Who CD for the zillionth time. She wanted me to know though, that sometimes she does feel sad or annoyed about something so wants to be alone for a while. She says this helps her to calm down and think through how she is feeling and that when she has done that she will want to talk about it and share how she feels. That seems fine to me really although again, it requires us to step back and give the situation a bit of time instead of barging in to try to fix things (do you see a pattern emerging here?!).

Know that sometimes there is really no reason I am upset: I have talked in previous blogs about hormonal weepiness and boy can it be overwhelming! I always try to allow C to cry and to just be upset. Sometimes I badger her to tell me what is wrong and she wants me to understand and know that often it is nothing concrete; she just feels full of tears and woe. I know only too well that bottling up those feelings doesn’t work and that a great big weep can make you feel soooo much better. I also know that when I am hormonal, sometimes my moods are not related to what is happening in my life, they are just feelings and need to be expressed.

Remember that I always love you even when we argue: Well I saved the best for last! I know we always tell C that we love her just the same even when we are cross with her or we have rowed about things. She desperately wants us to know that she feels exactly the same and always, always loves us. The good news is that we do know and it is never in doubt.

Gosh that was all rather soppy but goes to show that we can’t take anything for granted, we need to keep talking, keep listening and keep being there for our children. I hope this inspires some of you to talk to your own kids and to remember that they love you and need you and that you will all be fine as you head through this exciting, challenging and unfamiliar world of having pre-teenage children – onwards and upwards!

By Suzy Colebeck

Tampons or pads? Or what about a cup or sponges…?

Bit of a rushed one this morning, because I’ve got no Suzy this week! <wail>. This post is part of the You Are Loved blog project, an organisation that helps to raise awareness about the risk of Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS) that comes with using tampons.

Helping your daughters work out what will be the best sanpro to use when their periods start has a little more to it than I found it did when I was at that point in my life. For me it was simply tampons or pads. Bulky annoying things in my knickers or something that looked like it hurt! Like a lot of women I think, I started out with disposable pads and then moved onto tampons when I felt brave – applicator ones, of course. The idea of sticking my fingers inside my bloody vagina was completely abhorrent to me then.

But now, after four babies and a whole lot more body awareness, environmental awareness and knowledge at my fingertips, I’ve chosen something else for myself, and I’d like to be able to offer my daughters a more informed choice when the time comes for them.

So what are the options?

Disposable pads

To me, these are just annoying. Even the thin ones are bulky and uncomfortable, and I don’t like the idea of the thin ones being next to such a delicate, important area of my body because they’re only thin thanks to the super-absorbent gels and chemicals they are made from.

There may not be much in the way of evidence that these gels and chemicals can cause any harm, but the more unnatural things we live with in our lives, the more the chance that some of them may not be as benign as they initially seem.

And the waste! Pads are big things to be throwing away and if you have heavy or long periods, you’re going to be throwing away a lot of them every month…which means you have to buy more, so they cost more as well.

However, it’s very easy to see when they need changing, which is the big plus point for me, although I do sometimes think I can smell them when I’m wearing them, which makes me a bit paranoid!

Disposable tampons

Well the really big disadvantage to using tampons is obviously the risk of contracting the very dangerous Toxic Shock Syndrome, which is higher the more absorbent tampon you need to use, and the longer you leave it in. Women do actually die from TSS, so it really is a big issue to take into consideration.

And, again, there’s the effect on the environment. Chucking them away feels so wasteful, especially if you use applicator tampons. And we shouldn’t be flushing tampons away either for various reasons – they can block pipes, and sewer systems aren’t designed to cope with them, so they end up in the sea, which can affect marine life, partly because of the chemicals that are used in their production.

Which brings me to my next point – chemicals again! They’re bleached, although goodness knows why! Are we really that vain as consumers that we prefer things that live in a packet and then get hidden in our vaginas to look nice and white? And do we really want all that right near our ovaries and uteruses?

But they’re so convenient! If you are more body confident than I was as a teen, then you can use non-applicator tampons that are tiny and fit in your handbag so easily and discreetly (although I wish I didn’t feel such a need to be discreet about my periods, but that’s a subject for another post!). You can’t feel them when they’re in and you can swim when you’re wearing them.

Washable pads

Well these carry, for me, the same discomfort disadvantages of disposable pads, but many women find that they are far more comfortable than disposable pads and, of course, they don’t come with the environmental disadvantages of disposables.

You can get them in fantastic colours and patterns, which is fun. But you do have to wash them. Having said that, that is far easier than you think. Some women soak them so that they don’t stain, but I’m lazy and just collect them in a bag inside the laundry basket and then chuck them in with the next wash – it’s no bother at all, really!

I tend to use them at the end of my period if I haven’t got any dark knickers handy, or on my heaviest day if I think my other sanpro won’t hold out long enough – if I’m going out for instance. And you can get little plastic lined bags to put used ones in if you need to change them when you’re out and about.

And once you’ve bought them, you own them forever, so you don’t have to keep forking out money every month – that’s one of my favourite advantages!

Menstrual cups

The most well known of these is the Mooncup, but there are many other makes so if you like the idea of a cup but can’t get on with the Mooncup, consider trying another make. You get to try it for three months and if it doesn’t work for you, they give you your money back!

They’re basically a silicon cup that you wear inside your vagina to catch the blood. You empty it into the loo, rinse it in the sink, or with some bottled water, and then put it back in again. More and more women are turning to menstrual cups and absolutely swear by them.

I was very disappointed to find I couldn’t get on with one at all. I really gave it a very good shot, but I could never get it comfortable and not leaking – it seemed to be one or the other. But don’t be put off my my experience! I have lots of friends who love their menstrual cups.

They’re about £18 to buy, but they last for years so they’ll definitely save you money very soon, and the environmental benefits are unarguable really.

And then there’s the very real, in my opinion, benefit of having to get to know your body really, really well. Something I didn’t do until after I had my third baby, would you believe it! My third pregnancy was the first time I felt my own cervix and I wish I’d got to that point a whole lot sooner.

Sponge tampons

This is what I’ve found that works best for me: sea sponge tampons. I really hate throwing things away, and it made me feel miserable each month using tampons or pads when I found I had to give up on the Mooncup, so discovering sponges was fantastic!

They don’t carry the same TSS risk as disposable tampons do, because they don’t draw blood and vaginal secretions into them, they simply sit there, absorbing any blood that flows from your uterus.

They last for three to six months and cost only around £9 for a pack of two, which is all you need really.

You simply wet them and squeeze the water out, then push them into your vagina. When you need to change them, you just use your thumb and forefinger to grab the end, pull gently (although, as with very full disposable tampons, there’s a knack to doing this without dripping blood!), and then rinse them out in the sink before re-inserting them.

The only disadvantage that I can see is if you’re squeamish about your own body and your menstrual blood (which we are socially conditioned to be, so I don’t blame you if you are!). If you find you need to change them when you’re out and about, you can either buy more packets and have a plastic lined bag in your handbag to put the used ones in to rinse later at home, or wear a pad.

They’re soft, and you can’t feel them when they’re in. And they’re surprisingly absorbent. They cope with my heavy days far better than even the heaviest tampons do.

So, you see there really is more to sanpro than just pads or tampons, and it’s worth exploring the options with a Free Your Parenting style evidence-based pros-and-cons approach – you and your daughters may just surprise yourselves with what turns out to be the best option for you!

Talking about sex with your children

Yowsa – the big conversation; the one every parent dreads is on the horizon in our house! Our girl knows all about periods, babies coming out, eggs being fertilised and even snogging but as far as I am aware, she does not know the mechanics of sex itself. She certainly asked recently for us to have a talk about sex (baby!) and it is on the schedule for when she gets home next week! I will of course handle it with my usual grace and dignity (ahem), but there are some things to think about when your turn comes.

I have said this before but having a book with some appropriate facts and information can be a huge help. It puts things nicely and your children can pick which bits they are curious about at that moment. It also avoids the need for continuous eye contact while you are talking about the weird things people do with their nether regions and to other people’s nether regions! That helps – trust me! They can read on their own and then talk to you about questions or they can read with you.

Even if your child cannot bear to talk to you about sex, at least you will be ensuring they get accurate information. That is so important as they will hear all sorts of things from friends; my favourite memory of this type is of a girl in my class who had to call her friend into the toilet as she had tried to insert a tampon into her bottom and it was stuck – you do not want your kid to be that kid!

Think hard about how you want to present the concept of sex – I may have to get a little graphic here but bear with me! Traditional sex education and often books aimed at kids can be a little erm – vanilla and focus on getting pregnant and penetrative intercourse between a man and a woman as about all you need to know. Hmmmm – I don’t know about you but sex is a lot more complex for me and a lot more interesting than that!

I am not suggesting that you give them a tour of the Ann Summers catalogue but rather that sex can be presented as something that is fun and involves more than just willies and fannies – as I said, it has a lot more to offer than just that!

Sex education is also staunchly heterosexual and I strongly believe that we should ensure that our children understand that sex happens between all sexes, even if your kids don’t have homosexual feelings, they can learn tolerance and grow up understanding that people have different sexual orientations – no big deal. But hey – that’s just me.

Steel yourself for the fact that it will be embarrassing for both of you, there is no escaping that. Sex, when you talk about it, is ridiculous, messy and often noisy; we shouldn’t pretend it is like the films. The bit that strikes fear into my heart is where they say ‘so is that what you and dad do then?’ to which you can of course reply ‘not since we had you darling’ – ha ha!

Seriously however, I think the answer is to be led by them, understand that both of you will be embarrassed but that is okay, this is important stuff and you want it to be right. As Eddie Izzard said (paraphrasing a little) ‘tell me about sex in a relaxed and groovy manner’. God knows you probably won’t feel relaxed and groovy but you can act!

I will let you know how it goes when I have been there, how hard can it be? I teach people about how babies get out so it’s just approaching it from the other end – best not put it in those terms I suppose!

By Suzy Colebeck

So how did you approach telling your children about the ‘mechanics’ of sex? Any more tips to share? I have to admit we’ve told ours already. My 6 year old asked us if my husband and I had ever done it. My 8 year old turned to her and said, very scathingly, ‘Of course they have! They’ve done it four times!’

Helping your child cope with change

As humans, we are creatures who crave routine and a sense of belonging and familiarity; this is true for most of us no matter how we may wish to see ourselves as free spirits! For children this is even more important, most parents can remember being hassled into singing a song or reading a story EXACTLY how we did it last time and the four hundred times before that!

Children don’t like change which is a shame as their lives are full of it, just as they get used to a teacher then it is the end of the school year or even their time at that school. It is hard but inevitable so we have to find them ways to learn to cope with change and even maybe to enjoy it. Some children will always struggle more than others but here are some things that can help:

Strongly encourage your child to express their feelings about the forthcoming change. Our daughter often tries to bottle these things up as it seems scary to begin to talk about what you are afraid of. This is important for boys as well as they may well have been told that ‘big boys don’t cry’ or some other such tosh by other kids or other relatives. It is only by talking through things that we can be helped to gain some perspective or at the very least get some strategies which may help. If they tell you their fears as well, sometimes you can dispel them, kids often get told that their new teacher is horrible or that you get your head shoved down the toilet when you start at senior school! You can then reassure them that they are being wound up just as every kid has been since time began! Even if their fears are completely reasonable, talking helps and they will feel heard and that you understand.

Help them find things about the new situation to be excited about; maybe they finally get to use the science labs or be in a class with their best friend, maybe they get to have a locker or catch the bus with friends – whatever it is, help them to get excited about that so that they can see the change has a positive side too. Our daughter loved being able to move around to different classes at middle school and the sense of responsibility that gave her helped her to be excited as well as nervous.Help them to understand that we ALL get nervous about change but that it is part of life and that we have to learn to cope with it. We try to talk to our girl when we are undertaking a new project or doing something new; to let her know that we are nervous and that even as adults we need reassurance and support. She can then see that we get through it and often feel proud and happy with how we coped and what we achieved – just like she will. Remind them that they felt this way when they started their last school or had a new teacher and that they coped brilliantly which they will do again. (and see our recent post about how to help children overcome nervousness for other tips)

Finally, make a project of getting ready and all of the ritual that involves, new uniform, new lunchboxes, make sure that you get together and make a big deal of getting everything ready so that they feel prepared and also special and the focus of attention for a while. Soon they will be in the thick of things and will wonder what they were so worried about but you will have given them ways to cope and allowed them the space to worry and be reassured. It can be easy as an adult to tell kids they are being silly to worry or to forget quite how big a deal these things feel when you are a kid so we should take these worries seriously and help our kids to take these big steps.

Good luck and enjoy the change yourself – life never stands still and that is doubly true with kids so we need to try to embrace that and enjoy all of the different stages with their own challenges and rewards.

By Suzy Colebeck

Have you got any other tips for helping kids to cope with change? Please share them in the comments if you do.

We need all sorts of brilliant – not just sporting legends!

This blog was inspired by Angela but reminded me of many thoughts I have had over the years. There seems to be a huge emphasis at school on kids doing well at sport and the glory and attention that brings kids seems to be somewhat out of proportion.

Think about it; when you were at school I bet the sporty kids were better known than kids who were bright in many other ways. I know that is how it was for me; I was a total lump in PE and hated the whole experience. No girl ever had as many periods as me to excuse missing PE lessons!

Do you know what though? I had a reading age about 5-6 years ahead of my school year, I was an A pupil in English and did well in

Drama, R.E and most other subjects (with the exception of maths but let’s come back to that another time!), I was also polite, well spoken and well behaved. This though was nothing compared to those who by good luck or good genetics could fling themselves around in awe-inducing manners. Brains apparently don’t show the school off to the world quite as nicely as brawn!

Things are a little better now but there is still a focus on sport in schools which seems to be out of proportion with academic achievement. My daughter is about as good at sports as I was and hates sports days and all the hysteria that goes along with them.

Which brings me to my point – why do we only have sports days? What about science days, maths days, reading days? I am as in awe as the next person (well maybe not but let’s pretend!) at great sporting prowess but is that what the average person needs in terms of life skills? We need to show kids that we all have our own special gifts and talents and that they ALL matter and contribute to society.

When I was a trainee teacher, I worked incredibly hard to try to make all the children I taught feel they were special and have things to offer. One day I asked them who in the class thought they were talented; do you know the only children who put their hands up were the kids who knew they were good at sport? How sad is that? I went round the group pointing out each child and telling the class they were great at spelling, or reading, or music or brilliant with people and that was just as brilliant as being good at sports. It made me want to cry and it still does.

Regularly you see articles in the papers about how sport in schools is the answer to childhood obesity and all the health problems which it can bring. I am going to go out on a limb here and say – no it isn’t! I did sport at school as did my husband and my daughter, we all three did as little as possible, hated every minute of it and as adults we avoided sports like the plague.

Badly taught and enforced sport does not make adults fit and probably pushes them away from finding a sport that might suit them. As an adult I have discovered a love of running but I found it myself and one of the things I like about it is that I am only competing against myself, I am not letting anyone down and no-one is yelling at me if I do it wrong!

In case anyone feels that this is an attack on sport or sporty types – it really isn’t, I just want children to be offered a wide range of options in which they can achieve – all with equal merit.

We need sports-people in the world but we also need computer programmers, scientists, actors, writers and a million other types of clever. We need new Paula Radcliffe’s for sure but we also need new Brian Cox’s or Shami Shakrabarti’s too!

So let’s all make sure our children know that there are many ways to be great and if their schools fail to make the kids aware of that then we need to make our voices heard and insist that the right balance is struck. Diversity doesn’t just come down to race or religion or sexuality or even gender, it is about embracing what we all have to give.

By Suzy Colebeck

How did you feel about sports as a child? I hated sports as well – my brother was brilliant at it though…and everything else! What about your children? Are they talented sports-people, or do they shine in other ways?

And so the summer holidays begin.

A very good friend of mine posted on Facebook this week about her happy memories of long, sunny summer holidays as a child. She was musing over whether her child would look back and have such good memories of the holidays.

I wonder the same thing, I have such happy memories of summer holidays (to be fair including a fair amount of rain!) and sometimes when we are sitting around not dressed at 11am, I wonder how my girl will see the holidays when she looks back. In the name of research, I called her away from the telly to ask her and here is what she said:

‘Lie-ins, ice-creams, going in the sea every day, relaxing for a bit then rushing round trying to get everything done, seeing friends and before you go away being rushed off your feet. Time stops but sometimes it rushes by in dollopy lumps! I have 99.9% happy memories except that we always have to have our picnics in the car cos it always rains!’

That sounds pretty good doesn’t it?! I have had to learn to give myself a break about the holidays and to stop comparing ours to anyone else’s. Our lives during term time are busy, logistically difficult and very tiring.

Our girl leaves the house at 8.15 and gets home at 4 at the earliest and often after 5pm. She then has to do homework and the evening slides by in a rush. We don’t have a car available to us most of the time so we also spend a lot of time on buses.

When the holidays arrive, the first happy indulgence is not having to jump out of bed at 7am, reading in bed, breakfast in bed, cuddling in bed; these are all treasures which we eagerly embrace. We then love to waddle around not getting dressed for ages, watching telly, reading together and generally being lazy.

I look at others holiday schedules and it seems to be a huge list of activities to keep the kids happy. The thing is though, we will do our fair share of activities but we love to get the chance to be slothful and so we do!

When we look back on these holidays which will fly by in a heartbeat, I know we will remember days on the beach, ice-creams, lie-ins, chips on the prom, hanging out with friends and family, reading more than we get to all year, films on rainy days and just generally being a little more at peace with the world than the rest of the time.

That can surely only be a good thing; relaxing the schedule of daily life to a far more sedate pace and just enjoying the lazy days together? As our children reach their teens, they are going to spend more time with friends and we will see them less so we should treasure this time.

So, if like me you have ever felt guilty about your slothful holiday ways, take heart! When my husband gets home today and asks us what we did we can proudly say; ‘we hung around, read books, chatted and then went out for an ice-cream and a roam on the beach’ – what could be nicer? Happy holidays!

by Suzy Colebeck

Sounds idyllic to me! If you’re having a school holiday this year, what will you be filling it with? Will you be relaxing, taking life slowing, enjoying just ‘being’? Or have you got lots of exciting activities planned to enjoy together as a family?

Learning to let go

One of the perilous things about having an older child is that they will start to crave space and independence which can be terrifying and sad at the same time. As with everything, the way you handle it can make all the difference. It can seem like the child is pushing away from you but they aren’t, they are going through the necessary process of starting to become adults.

Just like aging for us doesn’t happen overnight, this is a slow and incremental process which you may not even notice at first. Our job as parents is to make sure they do it safely and appropriately and to help them to see independence and growing up as a positive thing.

The first thing to go in our house was the bedtime story, I don’t remember exactly when but around eight years old, our girl wanted to read by herself in her room. She felt very grown up doing it.

Then when she was about nine she wanted to be able to pop to the local shop so we helped her to be able to do that, my heart was in my mouth and I watched out of the window the whole time! She was fine and she loved it and felt grown up and trusted. Soon after that came sleepovers with friends and that was fine too.

Now she is almost twelve and we are facing new challenges everyday, she recently expressed a desire to catch the bus home from school alone (a 40 minute journey) and she likes to meet friends and have a milkshake! I found this terrifying at first but she has relished it and been in the main hugely sensible. Like most people, it is not that I don’t trust her, more that I cannot control how the outside world behaves.

However, she is going to be out there on her own in the world one day (sob!) so she needs to learn how to negotiate it. Most of the time people will be fine but sometimes they won’t and part of life is finding out how to deal with that. We understandably want to shield our children but they need the skills to navigate the world or they will never be functioning adults.

Soon she will go and stay with her nana three hundred miles away for a week and I can’t control what will happen or be there if anything goes wrong. The thing is though, she wants to go so she understands that she has to cope with anything that may happen and that we are always on the end of a phone.

I don’t like it, it makes me feel very nervous but I want her to embrace growing up and independence and so I will take my cues from her as long as I consider they are appropriate. Sometimes I say no, she is still young and I know what she can handle and my job is also to hold back challenges she is not ready for.

The thing is about taking this approach, your kids will love you for helping them spread their wings and they will have moments where they will want to go back. This morning, my daughter threw her arms around me and asked me to go and pick her up from school today.

She has recently started to ask me to read to her in the mornings while she eats her breakfast. I am delighted to do so safe in the knowledge that she is learning to grow up at a pace that suits her but that sometimes, she is still my little girl.

By Suzy Colebeck

Just goes to show how the ‘two steps forward, one step back’ thing just keeps on going – starts at birth, is really noticeable in toddlerhood and possibly never ends! I certainly see my eight-year old doing the same as Suzy’s daughter – desperate to be grown up and then suddenly desperate to be my little girl again. Would love to hear readers’ experiences – please comment.