How do you help your children deal with grief?

This week I have been thinking about grieving; images of the Twin Towers in New York are everywhere and it brings it all back. C was almost two when the planes hit the towers and didn’t understand any of it. It was so distressing and now it is so moving seeing people talk a decade later about the day they lost their loved ones.

A woman who was seven months pregnant when she lost her husband who was working in one of the towers was talking on the news about grief. She said that it is a process and it is not the same for everyone but that you have to just let it happen.

This made me think about how we help our children deal with grief and loss. Until fairly recently, people would very often shelter their children from it and keep them away from funerals and death to try to protect them.

I have seen first hand that this doesn’t work; children need outlets for their sadness and support to deal with it. We learned a great deal about this when C was eight and lost her beloved Grandpa. I thought this might be a good time to share a little of what we learned from that sad experience.

Let your children see your sadness

Children need to learn how to deal with their emotions; if they see that we are sad and grieving but that we can still cope and still be there for them, they will learn that they too can cope. We shouldn’t try to be superheroes that show no feelings, expressing feelings of grief and sadness is healthy and part of the process.

Let your children be part of the process

We talked to C as her Grandpa became increasingly ill, we asked her at every stage if she wanted to continue to visit him. She always said yes even though it was very sad, she wanted to be there and I know that at times he knew she was there. Strangely enough, some of those times were also beautiful, moving and even funny as we all gathered in his room chatting, laughing and crying. We were all in it together, facing it as a unit who could support each other.

Encourage them to talk about how they are feeling

We made time after visits to talk, to make sure C had her questions answered and even just that she got to cry and feel sad. We still do now, from time to time when she thinks of him she gets sad and we try to always make time for that and give her space to talk.

Have little ceremonies to remember the person

We are not religious and neither was Grandpa. We had a humanist funeral for him which was beautiful and again involved lots of tears and laughter. We now all get together every year on the anniversary of his death to be together, to raise a toast, laugh and cry and remember. We think of him every birthday and every Christmas and take time to remember how special those times were to him.

It is now over four years since Grandpa died and I take huge comfort in knowing that we handled it so well, grief was expressed, no-one hid their feelings and we all supported each other. C still misses him as do we all and we can talk about him and remember his funny ways as well as his annoying ones.

I would thoroughly recommend this approach should you have to support your child through grief; death and grief are a part of life and we need to be brave and help each other get through it.

My thoughts are with all of those who lost loved ones ten years ago and also with any of you who are facing loss and grief, it does get easier but you never forget and you become stronger through the experience.

By Suzy Colebeck